f64

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Random Thoughts by f64, literature

Literature

Random Thoughts

What once was will never again be. This I do not debate, or even desire to change. In many ways, it seemed perfect, but as time wore on, we saw so many reasons that it could "never" work out. Still, you have been my closest friend for so many years. So often, the only person I could talk to. At times, my only reason to live. I will admit, part of me loves you so deeply, and always will. A love that does not die with a relationship, but lives on forever. A love not romantic, but of the deepest respect, the deepest attachment, that can only come from so many years of friendship. I dare not admit, even to myself, these

Closure by f64, literature

Literature

Closure

Three weeks have gone by, it seems like an eternity, yet like yesterday. I hit bottom, as low as I could go, and still be here to speak of it. It got better, then worse all over again. Monday was bad, I couldn't hold back, I had to look at your facebook, and his, I was just so depressed, sitting here crying. Some of the wall posts, so painful to read, yet, the pain only jealousy. Then something happened. I read his facebook page, and it hit me, I smiled. He seems nice, smart, caring, like he cares about you, and you about him. I can't be sad, or upset, or jealous; all I ever wanted is for you to be happy, and you

East Hampton - 8-10-04 II by f64, literature

Literature

East Hampton - 8-10-04 II

The families happily run by laughing talking as I sit on this bench. The couples holding hands sharing a kiss under a tree meander by as I sit on my bench. The drunks chuckling stumble down the sidewalk behind my bench. The guys preppy ivy-league shirts and Abercrombie hats swagger along. The girls, stuck-up, their fake laughs and gossip flooding the night air. A middle-aged guy hitting on me I simply ignore him and mutter a random "no". I sit here on my bench, as Holden in a bar, watching the phonies parade by, sad in my lonliness, but content in being real.

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Search by f64, literature

Literature

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I now realize I am entering yet another new phase of my life. There is a void in my body where my soul once resided. And now whether for better or worse good or evil whether against my judgement or not I must attempt to fill this void with whatever seems right. WRITTEN A LITTLE LATER: I stand on a long winding road paved only with gravel loose, irregular, bumpy. I trudge on into the future, surrounded on either side by barren moors. In the distance, beyond the moors, cliffs, stretching up to mountains, dark grey, ominous, unpassable. Though I seem to be struggling uphill, never making much progress, the road dis

Summer by f64, literature

Literature

Summer

Summer. Wake up at nine, be in work at eleven. Walk into town for pizza at lunch watching the scenery go by from the little resturant. Checkin out what's new at Ridgewood Camera before I walk back to work. Finish up on the Avid or dubbing, dad picks me up at five. Stop home; pick up my bag and camera stuff. The usual Friday rush South begins around 5:30 or six. Sunroof open and windows down, cruising down the Parkway. No matter how slow the traffic is, it's still great with the radio up all the way, playing the Stones or Beatles, Dylan, Clapton, or Bruce, or maybe just the Shark or the Hawk, or the Q if we're still above mile 95. Finally, at

Dark by f64, literature

Literature

Dark

Darkness all encompassing eminating not from outside but from within My emotions represseed to make them easier to handle My soul a black hole emptiness nothingness a void Though I walk the earth I do not live For without purpose without meaning without a soul I am nothing I have nothing to lose nothing can be taken from me I fear not I must find something to fill this void whether good or evil light or dark I must find something.

Dark-2 by f64, literature

Literature

Dark-2

12-19-03 5:23 PM Suddenly I sit up and stare into the darkness. A strange urge grips my heart I must find some way out. I jump up looking around but seeing only blackness. Slowly I wander in all directions finding nothing. I look around but can see no way out. I feel around me down on all fours hoping to find something. There is nothing. Feeling around finally I come to a wall. Following it, it disappears only later to be replaced by another. Searching for the light they tell me I will find. Still only blackness. I see something in the distace a bright light of hope. I run to it it gets farther a

Snowflake by f64, literature

Literature

Snowflake

Have you ever just looked at a snowflake? Every one the same from a distance yet if you actually look completely different. Every one in the history of the world different from every other one. You see them all your life billions of them take them for granted Yet, if you really look each one is the most amazing thing the most beautiful thing ever. The most amazing thing happened today. I was just walking my dog, the whole world covered in snow. Eventually, once my jacket got cold enough, the snow didn't melt, but just sat there. I looked down and saw the most amazing thing. One giant snowflake, probably about 1/4 inch rou

Night by f64, literature

Literature

Night

I am lost in an endless night dark as pitch. I wander, following simply my own feet. I hear voices in the distance, but they only keep moving away, as I approach. I scream out, but my cry for help goes unanswered. Suddenly I see someone whom I recognize, and think I know. But they only fade away, once again, leaving me in the darkness. And so it goes. Day after day. Those who I think could help barely visible fade back into the darkness. And I am alone, in this infinite night, like a sailor shipwrecked on an uncharted island. All I can do is hang on to life, and hope that one day, no matter how impossible it see

Darkness by f64, literature

Literature

Darkness

A night like any other Friends at parties the world busy in other places. I sit alone in the same rooms i have lived my life. I stumble down to my dark retreat turn on the music and fire up the enlarger. Art and writing my only outlet to the world. I stand in the dark as alone as man can be with no hope of more. Always I am alone even when surrounded by hundreds. If I were to disppear just never be seen again would anyone care? If they would they sure don't show it. I turn off the safelight the darkness closes in it is all-encompassing never ending. My only guide the faint glow of a clock the light leaki

Writing by f64, literature

Pen1 by f64, literature

Literature

Pen1

Just as my pen, my love for you, slowly dried up. As I first wrote, true poetry, of love, for you. A new pen, for a new chapter of my life. I wrote of you, my love for you, masked by lust. Fist, to try to tell you, it failed. Then, to try to explain, what I wanted, though even I did not know. Just as my love for you reached its apex and began to slow, so did my writing. I reached into the drawer and withdrew the pen to try and rekindle what I once felt. Futile, my attempts were. Slowly, its ink ran out, got thinner, as did my writing, and my love. In the middle of a page it ran out and I finally accepte

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Waiting. by Jki, literature

Literature

Waiting.

She was beautiful and she was intelligent. She was everything. She was sitting across from me in the hospital waiting room. As she sipped her hot chocolate, I couldn't help but stare. What is she here for? My social anxiety would never allow me to make the first move. It makes things difficult, but I don't have the energy to fight it. "Hi." Wow. Hey, angel. One look in her eyes, and in my overactive imagination we already have a small apartment and a puppy. Think of something clever to say. Something clever... "Um... hey. Come here often?" Shit. Wrong thing to say. What if her relatives are dying? I manage to fuck everything up. "

About f64

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United States
Deviant for 19 years
www.jasonantman.com
He / Him

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My Bio

Current Residence: Here (New Jersey)
Favourite genre of music: Rock (Classic)
Favourite photographer: (see above)
Favourite style of art: huh?
Operating System: Linux
MP3 player of choice: Amarok
Shell of choice: Bash, of course
Wallpaper of choice: huh? wallpaper? um... I like the stuff in the kitchen...
Skin of choice: anything that's smooth, soft, and meets the other requirements
Personal Quote: One Brandy, One Beer, One Coke????????

Favourite Visual Artist

Adams

Favourite Movies

Pulp Fiction

Favourite Bands / Musical Artists

I have to pick one???

Favourite Writers

hmm... one of those dead guys

Favourite Games

Help me guess which root password I used on this system.

Tools of the Trade

Hasselblad 500CM, Cambo 810N

Other Interests

Photography, writing, IS/IT, computers...

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f64

Oct 10, 2007

Gone...

0 min read

Ok, I never come by here anymore. There's some good stuff, and I wish I had time to post more of my art from a previous life, but it seems like I don't. If you're interested in keeping up with *me*, feel free to check out: www.jasonantman.com blog.jasonantman.com blogs.sun.com/jantman but don't expect to find much art there any time soon. :(

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f64

Sep 13, 2007

update

0 min read

Yeah... I haven't posted anything on here in a very long time. Life is back on track, but all of my time is dedicated to school, work, and a few personal development projects. I'm also now working for both Rutgers University and Sun Microsystems. I'm pretty happy... though I haven't done any photography since I left RIT, with one exception, which will remain undeveloped. I highly doubt I'll be posting anything in the near future, though you never know.

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f64

Jun 18, 2007

Old Photos

0 min read

Well, I finally got my 11x17" Umax Mirage IIse scanner working... I had to use *gasp* Windoze for the first time in a few years. I'm going to start scanning some of my old prints from RIT, maybe even some negs that haven't been printed. I'll post them as fast as my over-taxed laptop can handle adjusting the tones to match the print...

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Profile Comments 29

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ylagdpucvnq

Aug 1, 2008

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